Masters Of The Universe (2026)

 

Having watched a lot of He-Man when I was a kid, I decided to devote a couple hours to the feature film as an adult. Expectations were very low going in, which quickly proved to be justified. No depth of characters. Cartoonish fight scenes without any real suspense. I couldn’t make it halfway through.

Rating: F

Buffet Infinity (2025)

 

Literally an endless stream of commercials and clips stitched together to create some kind of mystery. It didn’t work for me. Waste of time.

Rating: F

Six-String Samurai (1998)

 

A Slamdance winner with a cool video box cover. Tricked! Low budget everything. The script was a hodgepodge of convoluted scenes and poor acting. 

Rating: F

Tape Heads (1988)

 

An early Cusack stinker. He's teamed up with Tim Robbins in what can only be imagined as a low budget Airheads.

Rating: F

Taking Lives (2004)

 

A completely implausible script weighted down further by poor acting. Shame to see both Keifer and Ethan Hawk wasting their talent in this stinker. 

Rating: F

The Brothers Grimm (2005)

 

A hodgepodge of mismatched ideas, baffling characters, and bizarre scenes that make zero sense. Terrible plot, bad acting, and artificial looking sets. What were they thinking?

Rating: F

Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001)

I would have never watched this had it not been for the guys at the group home I worked at wanting to see it. Barely held my attention. I had to dish out their meds several times during the film. I considered giving myself some just to get through the movie.

Rating: F

 

Bullet Boy (2004)

 

Mostly boring with incomprehensible blather muttered by the two leads. Stupid people make stupid decisions and suffer the consequences. Who cares. 

Rating: F

Audition (Odishon) (1999)

 

Just as the story began to get interesting, it took a turn for the sick and pointless. Senseless gore. Skip.

Rating: F

Rachel Getting Married (2008)

 

How did this movie got nominated for so many awards? If the wedding video of some dysfunctional strangers is your idea of a good time, then this is the movie for you. Unlikable characters argue and whine a lot. Snoozefest. What an over-hyped, pretentious pile of tripe. 

Rating: F

The 4:30 Movie (2024)

 

Kevin Smith is officially washed up. This was terrible. Looked like it was made by a couple of horny, nerdy, high school teens over the summer. Not funny or interesting. 

Rating: F

Drive-Away Dolls (2024)

How is this a Coen Brothers film? How did they get Matt Damon and Pedro Pascal to debase themselves with cameos? Was this supposed to be a comedy? It wasn’t funny. Was it supposed to be a sexy lesbian romp? No heat or chemistry at all. A dark thriller? This flick had zero pulse. 

Total disappointment. Complete flop. 

Rating: F

Silent Night (2023)

 

The movie is called Silent Night and the lead is “silent” after catching a bullet in the throat. I get the pun. But why does everyone else in the film have to be mute? It’s weird that his wife never talks to him. That she’s ok with him buying a Mustang, artillery, a really expensive camera, etc while she’s holding down a remedial job. Where is all that money coming from? 

John Woo leaves all these plot holes uncovered in pursuit of a big revenge finale that plays more like a MAGAtard’s wet dream. Karanan had no business signing onto this eyesore. 

Rating: F 

Showdown At The Grand (2023)

The best things this film has going for it are the title and the concept. The execution was abysmal. Hard to tell which parts were meant to be purposefully bad. Ultimately, it didn’t matter. Sucked from start to finish. 

Rating: F

Bottoms (2023)

 

Unbelievably stupid, and not in a good way. The attempted humor felt forced. Almost nothing landed. The screenplay was ridiculous, the characters were shallow, and the acting was poor. No idea why Rotten Tomatoes rated this so highly. We got burned. 

Rating: F

John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023)

 

Every installment that comes out in this series I’m told the same thing–that *this* one is special; the best one yet. And each time I’m greatly disappointed. It's all set design and staged fights. Very little substance or character development exists in the World of Wick, even after a nearly 3 hour runtime. 

The biggest annoyance is the apparent indestructibility of John Wick. Only he can land headshots, yet after millions of bullets shot at him, none can hit his. He never sleeps or gets tired during prolonged battles. He hits and gets hit by numerous vehicles, yet suffers no consequence from it. 

He falls through and out of buildings without so much as a sprained ankle. He doesn’t eat, use the restroom, or attend to any other human necessities. This might as well be another crapped out turd from the Marvel Universe. 

I wish they’d make a 5th film with John Wick in retirement, homesteading in Colorado, tending to his garden, fruit trees, and chickens for 90 minutes. Nobody dies. There’s one fight, but it’s between Wick and a sticky canning jar lid, and he loses. 

Rating: F

Lotawana (2022)

 

As pointless as drifting in a sailboat with no sails. Aimless and boring. 

Rating: F

Nightshooters (2018)

 

I got tricked into watching this movie from glowing reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. I forget that if a movie is small enough, and nobody sees it, the cast and crew can drive up their ranking with positive reviews. 

It’s typical B-movie fare. Poor acting, script, production, etc. Avoid. 

Rating: F

Gunpowder MIlkshake (2021)

 

With a title like that, my expectations were already low, which turned out to be prophetic on my part. There are no genuine interactions in the film--just highly dramatized scenes straight from your least favorite movie clichés. 

Part of the problem is that the city appears to be solely populated by The Firm and other individuals tied to organized crime. Artificial characters inside an artificial city spewing artificial lines that will have you groaning repeatedly. 

Rating: F

Synchronic (2019)

I wish I could pop some Synchronic right now so I could go back in time to tell myself not to watch this movie. 

Rating: F